how to see? to be is to see

For the past few months I’ve been searching my past for scraps of worth, feelings and moments that I remember being way different, way LIVELIER and way happier than I’ve honestly and authentically felt in a long time. I remember emotions and events and people and everything to be way more intense, exciting, and it was easy to immerse myself in it.

Nowadays, no matter what I decide I believe, I find it hard to consistently care about myself, other people, and the world. It used to be easier because I was so determined not to make any mistakes, to be “good” / “right” / “smart” in everything I do, and probably also because of fear of rejection, punishment by violence or hateful language from others. I also just hadn’t yet thought of so many reasons to doubt that anyone or anything matters at all.

I think the problem lies in the way I see the world… as a puzzle to win at, a game to dominate or cheat at, a series of right or wrong choices (on a scale from perfect to…uh.. WAY OFF), a competition or a race… etc. I see things very much in black & white and I wonder whether or not that stems from the way I was brought up, or due to socially conditioning from society, or just because that’s what my soul believes.

I desperately want to get back to that “consistently magical” way of living where life feels like it’s all summer, fun, euphoria, love, empathy, and good times. Yeah, I know that’s unrealistic. I know life is about learning to accept the bad with the good – because you have to. If you didn’t, you would probably stop living over something that you could have struggled through in order to get somewhere better – and wasted your opportunity and your self – what a waste. Your choice, though. I choose to try and deal with and learn from the bad, I’m not sure I will ever be able to just ACCEPT bad, though. I fully believe it’s there to give us motion – it constantly gives everyone SOMETHING to do/fix/work on and SOMEWHERE to go, some action/journeyness.

I want to try and look at things in Colour more, and recognize at all times that just because I think something is good or bad, right or wrong, it may only be my opinion on that matter and I don’t need to force it on anyone else or expect them to uphold my belief in the principle. I want to adventure more with my spirit and be more courageous.

Unfortunately, I outthink myself, I list off my mistakes and achievements (even the minor ones) in my head all the time and am always keeping track of how well I think I’m doing – which just further distracts me or stresses me out from the mission itself. It’s interesting how an important, meaningful mission like “trying to see things more positively and the way they truly are” can start to feel like the worst, most dreaded impossible chore ever once you start keeping track of how well you think you’re doing at it.

That’s where I’m at right now, and many other days, but re-shuffling through all these thoughts and emotions all the time is starting to make me feel happy and more comfortable with where I’m at, as opposed to trying to do or be something more awesome than what I actually am right now.

Turning Point

I’ve been planning on doing shrooms, salvia, LSD, and maybe even MDMA (at a music festival or something huge) again once I get out of treatment. I blamed dokha/tobacco for my bad LSD and MDMA trips, and alcohol for my bad shrooms trip (the trip where i thought i puked up my guts and died), and blamed Dokha/tobacco for ruining weed for me. I blame weed every time I smoke it for not being able to function or think or be responsible or do things I’ve committed to doing. I get so obsessed with how enjoyable those drug-induced experiences were and with convincing myself that rehab is wrong and my parents are wrong about drugs, that they’re actually a gift from God meant to help us enjoy our lives ‘properly’ and know the ‘truth’ of our divine beauty. 

How crazy is that? I’m so ignorant to all the shit I’ve gone through, so blind to the negative aspects of my story, and so foolish to think that next time I smoke pot or drop LSD or MDMA or shrooms will be better. 
My life is valuable and I could REALLY SCREW IT UP – I have no ‘right’ to have a destined great one where I change others’ lives and spread love and meaning through music. I have to work for it and earn it. I have to be grateful for the opportunity and respect the immense dangers of drugs and remember how sick, terrified, and tortured I felt on my bad trips, comedowns, and waking nightmares. 
My addiction is a liar and a thief – it wants to steal any meaning and purpose and true happiness from my life and replace it with meaningless, mind-melting, cheap thrills. 
I can be better than this. 

The Soul, The Infinite ONE

Each and every living being’s core is what many call a ‘soul’ – an indestructible, infinitesimal, purely divine piece of the Infinite One. The nature of the Infinite One is very simple to define but impossible to understand or ever fully tell its story. 

The infinite one lives forever and never stops changing. It progresses forever and is never finished. It is everything and nothing exists outside of it. It is permanently singular but free to create within itself using vibrations/oscillations/energy. ABSOLUTELY EVERY LIVING BEING’s experiences are actually being experienced by the Infinite One through the infinitesimal soul. The Infinite One is creating/dreaming/embodying our universe and perhaps other universes, multiverses, realities, etc. 

My Beliefs 

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable spirit who reveals itself in the slight details we’re able to perceive with our frail & feeble mind. 

I believe all “world religions” interpret the Truth in their own limited way, with certain biases and focuses/priorities. 

The science of Kabbalah makes the most sense to me, as it is not a religion but observations that have been around for thousands of years and they ring true to my short 21-year experience on Earth. 

I believe in the One, the Infinite, and I call it God, the Tao, etc. Not only do I believe in it, I also FEEL it. Sharpen your 3rd Eye with meditation and calm your hectic mind, and I promise you will feel It too. 

The One is the source/Creator and the essence of everything that exists – it is not a judgmental entity keeping score or punishing its own creations. We are lucky enough to be conscious subdivisions of the One – be grateful and be wise, live your life to the fullest with honesty, openmindedness, willingness, compassion, and other Spiritual principles. 

<3 The world is YOU. Treat it and others in it as you want to be treated.