how to see?

For the past few months I’ve been searching my past for scraps of worth, feelings and moments that I remember being way different, way LIVELIER and way happier than I’ve honestly and authentically felt in a long time. I remember emotions and events and people and everything to be way more intense, exciting, and it was easy to immerse myself in it.

Nowadays, no matter what I decide I believe, I find it hard to consistently care about myself, other people, and the world. It used to be easier because I was so determined not to make any mistakes, to be “good” / “right” / “smart” in everything I do, and probably also because of fear of rejection, punishment by violence or hateful language from others. I also just hadn’t yet thought of so many reasons to doubt that anyone or anything matters at all.

I think the problem lies in the way I see the world… as a puzzle to win at, a game to dominate or cheat at, a series of right or wrong choices (on a scale from perfect to…uh.. WAY OFF), a competition or a race… etc. I see things very much in black & white and I wonder whether or not that stems from the way I was brought up, or due to socially conditioning from society, or just because that’s what my soul believes.

I desperately want to get back to that “consistently magical” way of living where life feels like it’s all summer, fun, euphoria, love, empathy, and good times. Yeah, I know that’s unrealistic. I know life is about learning to accept the bad with the good – because you have to. If you didn’t, you would probably stop living over something that you could have struggled through in order to get somewhere better – and wasted your opportunity and your self – what a waste. Your choice, though. I choose to try and deal with and learn from the bad, I’m not sure I will ever be able to just ACCEPT bad, though. I fully believe it’s there to give us motion – it constantly gives everyone SOMETHING to do/fix/work on and SOMEWHERE to go, some action/journeyness.

I want to try and look at things in Colour more, and recognize at all times that just because I think something is good or bad, right or wrong, it may only be my opinion on that matter and I don’t need to force it on anyone else or expect them to uphold my belief in the principle. I want to adventure more with my spirit and be more courageous.

Unfortunately, I outthink myself, I list off my mistakes and achievements (even the minor ones) in my head all the time and am always keeping track of how well I think I’m doing – which just further distracts me or stresses me out from the mission itself. It’s interesting how an important, meaningful mission like “trying to see things more positively and the way they truly are” can start to feel like the worst, most dreaded impossible chore ever once you start keeping track of how well you think you’re doing at it.

That’s where I’m at right now, and many other days, but re-shuffling through all these thoughts and emotions all the time is starting to make me feel happy and more comfortable with where I’m at, as opposed to trying to do or be something more awesome than what I actually am right now.